the ambiguous darkness : night or morning?

its 2.28 a.m now but i cant sleep.


i want to; i need to but i cant.
it is scary and you know it, for not being able to sleep when your mind and body beg for rest.
just like when you see or hear something, which you shouldn't,
just like when you know there is something watching you, but there is absolutely no other man,
while you lying on your bed, - as an escapism,
you pretend you are sleeping.
close your eyes tightly,
till you only see darkness with thousands of little red dot, and thousands of disturbing colours,
but still manage to see and even staring at the emptiness, a blackish savior.

you heard a voice, child's voice singing,

1,2,3,
dia pura-pura,
dia tutup mata,
nak tipu kita,
kakak...
tekala sapa saya!!!

wth, terpesong dari niat la pulak. maaf.

Budak Ben Yang Tak Bertamadun???

a very short-short story. i really mean it. this is an old issue but it will never go away as long as there is a course called BENL in IIUM or as long as there are some sickening set of mentality in students of IIUM.(including lecturers!)

This happened last week on Thursday around 8 p.m. I was walking from my block to Asma' cafe to have a dinner with Fadz. then, i saw three girls were clearing up all those jumbo sale fliers from the walkway. as i was heading towards them,i heard...

"...menyampah betul. Hidup dengan budak Ben yang tak bertamadun..."

i was like dead near her face when she said the last sentence of her wise talk. we made eye contact or maybe face contact? what the hell is that? or maybe i should say we exchange our look? sounds weird?which one eh? aish...well, never mind. As usual, i gave her my genuine/original look. you know which, the one with no emotions at all.just looking into her eyes.(she was looking straight on my face too btw) if i were a man, she will stalked me.muahahaha...bad joke atip. as i took few steps from those circle of fitnah, they suddenly stop talking. the silence really surprised me. then i heard whispers.her other friend, a shorter one said something. i tried to detect what she uttered about but i cant. my ears are not as good as my 360 L + 250 R eyes. when i was about 5-6 metres away from them, without a warning, i heard a big explosion of laughter.

They knew that i am a Ben student.I guess.

fin.

very short indeed. Ben = uncivilized. that is a very simple yet stupid belief girls. come on, how old are you girl? i don't know which ben student you are talking about but hey, don't bring me down! do not include me (and others) in your hatred towards someone else. i wonder what made you labelled that Ben student as tak bertamadun? did she partying all night? she drinks alcohol maybe? she slept with her bestfriends's boyfriend? or did she crack? if she does, that is not uncivilized. that is a kind of lifestyle that is deviant from Islamic teaching which the westerners keep on promoting,unintentionally if some of you want me to add that. pfitt, who will believe that.
i don't know what makes you hate her but judging people is not your job. if you really cant control yourself from hating her, fine then, keep it in your heart or write it in your dairy.

it is a fact that i (we?) judged people too (see,see.past tense eh). i said bad things that i regret now and i change that bad habit or still in the process of trying to change it. its not easy, but it is not impossible.

the mind set that people have towards Ben student is not something new. since my sis days, we already have this air. not only students, some lecturers too. saying that we are murtad for studying the kaffirun language. this topic sometimes is very stupid for people to discuss but it is very absorbing and disturbing to let go. it never fails to makes me wonder.

Smile again

salam everyone...

now, this is my first post in 2009 eh. so many things happened lately, good things of course. mama marina have her own blog, i moved in to Hafsa, i have new friends as well as met my old ones, keep in touch with my high school girlfriends, i have new hobbies, reading and talking and walking; fast. the only sad thing that i have to face for now is i cant buy books that i want as one book cost more than RM30 and that 30 ringgit can supply me food for 4, 5 days. aish. money2.

as for Hafsa, i now can call my compartment as my room! though hafsa's room is smaller than Maryam's but for me, the room really cries privacy and comfort. i just love it. before i forget, i reaaaaaly appreciate those who helped me with my thingsssssssss and those lovely princess are Bella, Mimi, Fadz, Adib, Hanis, Huda, Fae and Nad! TQ VERY MUCH. God, i never realize that i have a lot of stuff till i packed them. excluding boxes of my PC, I have 2 really big bags for my cloths and books, and more than 3 storage boxes with 3 smaller bags. for my PC, theres 5 boxes. so, no wonder eh why theres 8 people helping me to moved out. ^_^

as for my new roommates, they are just lovely and friendly. they talked to me first which i really hoped and appreciate for as I'm not a first person to open my mouth to strangers, even classmates. i cant handle it, for me its too embarrassing. its weird but I'm just shy.its just awkward and weird and idk. if i have white skin, they will turn pale or red. thanks god I'm not. the second day me stayed there, they invited me to have breakfast with them, in Ainul's room. we chatted like we've already know each other. talking.laughing.smiling.eating.drinking.good.

so, for this semester, i took Arabic class, 3 irk subjects, presentation skills and novel class. so far its been good but i need to give more concentration or priority to Arabic. its been almost 2 years i don't open my Arabic textbook. and now, only a quarter remain in my brains. i really need to master back my superpower called recall. I'm in a regret land for deleting almost all my Arabic in my knowledge files that i learned in matriculation. now, i need to scratch from beginning. but, there wont be too much a problem as my new roommates are all good in Arabic's. Ainul is TASL student while Is and Sumayyah are IRK students. really grateful for that.chincha,chincha.

and just as i thought everything went smooth, suddenly theres a news that change my life. no water supply in UIA. as i live in fifth floor, the highest of them -mahallah- all, the water cant reached to my floor. losing their game to gravity. not knowing that other level in the same building with me still have this precious crystal, i went to Maryam,walked, with sweat on my face, with sun being over excited, as nature called me. but, seriously, i don't really feel troubled. i don't have problems with not being able to take a bath or wudhu' or used the toilet. Alhamdulillah.

simply put, life is getting fabulous than ever. i learn what is freedom on a higher level, what it is to stand alone and proud of it, what it is to be a lone ranger and what it is to be a part of others life. me now, walking with hands swaying front-back, back-front freely, not bothered by small yet lots of sands of regret as i now finally noticed the winds of happiness, caress my body, drying my sweat. I'm in love of myself. I'm happy and i cant stop smiling.

oh sarang, sarang ohhhh.....

Nana tag Atip lagi...^_^

- Have you ever dreamt of dating younger guy?

yes. btw, i have no restriction when it comes to age.

- How is it different to date yunhanam rather than older/same age guy?

i dont know. never have the experience.

- If you're chosen to be the noona in Yunhanam, what type of activity you'd like to do with the boys?

go to their practice rooms so that i can learn their dance moves and go to fun-fair. i have never been there. it must be really fun to play around with them.

- Will you choose your yunhanam based on their performance/attitude during the date and activity or you'll simply choose your favourite Shinee member from the beginning? why?
again, im not sure. i guess i stick with Minho. i cant watch em vids without looking at anyone else but him. the first time i see him, i know i like him. that is the extent of me fan boying him.

- Would you rather have 1-1 date or 5-1 date with the boys? why?

im quite greedy, so all of 'em.fosho.

- Is there any of the boys that meet your "prince charming" figure? who and why?
Choi Minho. he have the aura of prince charming. plus, he is the Charima Minho rite? hahahaha

- How will you tell them the result? (e.g: giving rose like the 1st noona, giving lifejacket like the 3rd noona, etc)

i'll hold his hand. smile to him and tell him that i want to know more about him. then quickly take him away. hahahaha...hey, im noona. and im hell full with charisma too...muahahaha

- What song do you want Shinee/your yunhanam sing in front of you? (apart of Noona Neomu Yeppo! haha..I know everyone wants them to sing this song for us!)

rainbow by Tohoshinki.

-Anda mula blogging sejak?
2008.

-Apakah / Siapakah yang mendorong anda untuk mempunyai blog sendiri?
x.k.u.a.s.e.k.n.a.h and myself.

-Nama blog anda?
lovely light

-Mengapa anda memilih nama tersebut?
that is the first thing that comes to my mind when i see the picture on my blog.

-Adakah anda mempunyai ramai rakan blogger?
no.

-Adakah anda benar-benar mengenali mereka, atau sekadar rakan alam maya?
i know them.

-Berikan 5 blog yang menyenaraikan anda sebagai rakan, dan apakah nama yang digunakan mereka untuk link ke blog anda? Adakah mereka menggunakan nama yang sama, atau berlainan?

huda: Atip
hanis : Atip (Awatif)
mimi : Awatif Azizan
nana : Atip-san
mama : Atip Charisma

~i love my name and my nickname. so simple i could die~

Sila tag 5 rakan anda yang lain.
sila layan diri.

p/s: nape separuh soalan Melayu and the other half English?hahahaha....